I dont know what is going on anymore.... I've become somewhat lost.... I think my new life is turning into my old life... perhaps yew can't escape yewr own reality.... but perhaps it's more than that... we all are creatures of habit.... and habit is probably what drives us ... maybe it's time to just accept the reality that is ours.... in any event I spose I have no choice but to continue my meaningless existance for a while.... for the last year or so it was not very difficult for meeting new people or contributing to the enjoyment of others .. but lately I feel like I've dropped off the face of the earth and landed in some unreal reality...

maybe I am just feeling some strange course of homesickness... the symptoms are kinda similar... but I think I'm just missing my regular routine.... to be honest friends is all that I'm missing... I'm used to having someone to chill out with on the weekend or if I am bored I can go hang out or be somewhere... no matter where I went I would see someone I know ... but this has all gone from me... I dont know people here and they aren't as quick to be hospitable or friendly here... except for perhaps people that are working... such as the coffee shop..... they have to be nice .. so they smile.. they talk friendly or whatever else you would come to expect....

but then again.... some people put on that fakeness and then get caught out in it... I hate liers.... I hate myself sometimes.... but I will only admit this because I'd be a lier if I said I didn't sometimes lie..... which perhaps makes us all liers... what a strange reality that is.... why do some people think that they can just say anything just to get out of a situation... even when they know that it would be so easy to call them out on the lie..... it's odd.... why not just tell the truth and be done with it... yewr not gonna score any points with meaningless drivel that really doesn't make sence... or are you just trying to shock someone out of reality... I have no clue... perhaps it's just our nature to do this... or perhaps even worse... we do it just to see the reaction.... a test if yew will... whatever it is I've lost a part of my new reality that I liked and will never have it back again just because of a stupid lie someone told me... the truth would have been much more understanding I'm sure... whatever it really was.... but it's too late now... I'll never view the situation the same ever again....

but enough doom n gloom....

I'm off to the races tonight and I may even submit my name to race in the claimers.... but with vacation coming up soon I may not be able to.... we shall see.... maybe I just have something to prove.... but more to myself than anything else... a dream shall be revived in doing so.... I will be a race car driver.. even if it's only for one night .... wouldn't it be cool if I win too??? but lets not get ahead ... reality is after all..... what this is all about